ख़ुशी

लाखों चेहरों के बीच भी अजनबी हूँ मैं 

कभी आईने में अपनी छवि को देख सोचती हूँ 

काश आईने की छवि भी हमारे आने पर मुस्कुराती 

शायद एक वजह तो मिलती घर लौट आने को 

हज़ारों की भीड़ में चलती हूँ तन्हा मैं 

कभी रास्ते में पड़ती परछाई को देखती हूँ  

काश परछाइयों की भाषा मैं समझ पाती  

शायद एक साथी तो मिलता साथ निभाने को 

मैं समझती रही शायद परछाई और छवि खुशियों की आगाज़ है 

पर  भूल गई कि दोनों ही तो खुद मेरी खुशियों के मोहताज हैं 

आज फिर

आज फिर जीवन की सरगोशियों में खो जाने को जी चाहता है

डरे हुए, थके हुए क़दमों से ही सही 

फिर मंजिल की ओर बढ जाने को जी चाहता है 

आज फिर जीवन की सरगोशियों में खो जाने को जी चाहता है

कहीं कोई मायूसियों का झोंका चीन न ले ये पल 

इन आरज़ुओं को फिर अपनाने को जी चाहता है 

आज फिर जीवन की सरगोशियों में खो जाने को जी चाहता है

हज़ार धोखों के घावों से ढका है ये दिल तो क्या 

फिर भी तुझ पर ऐतबार लुटाने को जी चाहता है 

आज फिर जीवन की सरगोशियों में खो जाने को जी चाहता है

Memories

Memories

Memories,

dance past the mist of  my mind,

slowly, luring me away from the mankind.

Next to my dreams,

they feel, they love, they taunt.

Breathing like a parasite, they haunt.

Memories,

those wretched memories,

bleeding me, feeding me, those very memories.

ना जाने कितने दिनों से

ना जाने कितने दिनों से

हज़ारों रंग उमड़ते हैं दिल में, इक नई तस्वीर बनाने को,

ना जाने कितने दिनों से ज़िन्दगी की किताब के पन्ने टटोले नहीं हैं

लाखों शब्द उमड़ते हैं मन में, फिर इक नया गीत बनाने को

ना जाने कितने दिनों से अनकहे नए तराने बोले नहीं हैं

हज़ारों तूफ़ान उमड़ते हैं मन में, उन हारी हुई ख्वाइशों को उड़ाने को

ना जाने कितने दिनों से नए आसमां के रास्ते खोले नहीं हैं

Character Sketch-Day 20 (959 words)

Day Twenty: The final curtain. Time to say your last words.

Focus Word - Final

Song Prompt - My Way by: Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

I am preparing to leave my office. I had worked endlessly for two days .I was able to convince the press of our mission. They liked the concept of our hotel. I am sure now that we will grow here. There might be some stumbling blocks, the usual competition- but they are the part of every business. The hotel will be opening day after tomorrow. It will be the biggest event of the year and Slaughter Valley. There is still so much left to do. I am satisfied, though the cloud of that morning still hovers over me. But that debacle is the thing of the past. I do not look at my phone at every next instant; neither have I checked streets after every hour.

I collect my coat and leave from the office. I have requested for a taxi. As I move outside, taxi is not waiting there. But instead there is Ishaan waiting for me in a different car. I stumble in my steps on seeing him standing there as if nothing has happened. I try to look out for taxi.

“Looking for someone?” He asked approaching me. “I have ordered your taxi away. I do not think you will need it. I will drop you.”

“How dare you Ishaan? Who do you thin I am? Anytime you can promise to come, anytime you can leave without even giving any reasons. And now you expect me to allow you to drop me in your car.”

“Trish, first get in the car. Don’t create scene here. I will explain everything in the car.”

“Of course, now I am creating the scene! I am like this only- volatile,unpredicatable, violent. Creating a scene, my foot.”

He grabs me by arm and says in the low voice. :”Sit in the car Trish. It has been the longest two days of my life.”

I notice his beard-shadowed face and hollowed eyes. He looks extremely vulnerable. But I chide myself for making excuses for someone again. But still, office people are starting to stream out. I do not wish to create the scene. In the huff, I sit in the car. He sits in the car and says, “Thank you Trish. I now you are angry. I know I have hurt you but believe me I did not have any choice.”

“Ishaan it is always the same. First our studies, then circumstances and now another problems. Is there any point in our being together when we are going to be separated by every second problem?”

“My father met with an accident. He is in hospital. I wanted to call you but your phone was unreachable. I had to go there. For two days I was there trying to bring him back from the brink of death. He might not have been a good father to me, but still he is my blood relation. Even you can’t expect me to leave him at his deathbed.”

I am shocked. It never even crossed my mind that there could be something wrong with him. I had assumed he had gone for some stupid business meeting of his. I am ashamed. “I am sorry Ishaan. But still the fact remains. I cannot trust you. That is why I always assume the worst.  You ask us to be friends but we cannot be. We both know that we cannot be “Just Friends”. The feelings have not changed. Even today we are attracted to each other. And not even friendship can function without trust. I think we should separate from here. Let me be.”

“Trish just let me explain to you the past. I am sure that you will forgive the past. Those shadows will be vanished. I told you I married. I married Vanessa. You must remember her. She was Uncle Manfield’s daughter. He was the guy who has been there for me in every difficulty .When my father was not there, he was there. He was very ill. He asked me to marry Vanessa before he dies. It was his last wish. I was helpless to deny him. So, I married him. For my father it was a business arrangement. For me it was a debt repayment. For Vanessa, I never understood what it was. I could not contact you. We were not happy together. Fights were daily dosage for us. Then one day she committed suicide. I was relieved that there won’t be anymore fights. I was guilty that she died because of me. I was so torn between everything.” He says remorsefully.

I already knew first half of the story. He had told me some. Rest I have guessed. But this does not erase what I have suffered. It does not help me lose my mistrust.

“Trish you are my hope still. I know you cannot forget it all. But please give me a final chance. I have faced almost everything. You are right our feelings have not died. And neither will they die. Then why not give our feelings, ourselves another chance. Believe me. Your trust will grow again. Just do not shut yourself out from me.”

“I do not know Ishaan, I do not know. I am ashamed and embarrassed right now for assuming the worst about you. But I can’t say it will not happen again.”

“Let it happen again Trish. I will be there. My trust is sufficient for both of us for now. Yours will grow. No scars are permanent. I will heal yours.” He asks holding my hand. For many minutes, I did not reply. I jus sit there. Ishaan tries to pull back his hand because of my reluctance .I grasp his hand.

“I am very afraid Ishaan.”

“Don’t worry Trish. We will brave every storm together.”

Character Sketc-Day 15(510 words)

Day Fifteen: Step to the absolute edge.

Focus Word - Brink

Song Prompt - Where Is The Edge? by: Within Temptation

In the shadows it awakes the desire
But you know that you can't realize
And the pressure will just keep rising
Now the heat is on

It's too late, there is no way around it
You will see for yourself many times
In the end you will give up the fight
It's inescapable

'Cause you're losing your mind and you sleep
In the heart of the lies

Where is the edge
Of your darkest emotions?
Why does it all survive?
Where is the light
Of your deepest devotions?
I pray that it's still alive

It's the rule that you live by and die for
It's the one thing you can't deny
Even though you don't know what the price is
It is justified

So much more that you've got left to fight for
But it still doesn't change who you are
There is no fear you'll ever give in to
You're untouchable

'Cause you're losing your mind and you sleep
In the heart of the night

Where is the edge
Of your darkest emotions?
Why does it all survive?
Where is the light
Of your deepest devotions?
I pray that it's still alive

You can't stop yourself
Don't want to feel
Don't want to see what you've become

You can't walk away
From who you are
Never give in

Where is the edge
Of your darkest emotions?
Why does it all survive?
Where is the light
Of your deepest devotions?
I pray that it's still alive

Dear Apu

How are you doing? Today was the best day in Wales for me. I went to shopping with Ishaan and I had decadent retail therapy. I bought the mink coat, a beautiful dress which I do not know where I will wear them and amazing stiletto. I am so tired from shopping. Ishaan showed me the whole market and all the special places. We went to the shore and brought some balloons. I was able to walk in white sand. And you know it was totally awesome. I was exhilarated, refreshed and relaxed. I had forgotten totally how it is to revel in the natural beauty. Ishaan’s company was the icing on cake. Ishaan was absolute gentleman. He talked about everything- our common friends and everyone else in the college had settled. We laughed at the local public, some stupid customs. We had pizzas and chocolate truffles (He remembered that I like the most).

I am happy but I everything is colored with the doubts. I still desire him- I still want him with me. I know I need to maintain a distance from him. I can’t give in, I can’t walk on the same road again. But where is the edge of my emotion? Will I ever be able to overcome everything and just be friends him. He seems to want that. But I know it is a lie. I can see him looking towards me, noticing my usual actions with a special attentiveness. I so wanted to fall back to the routine and forget myself but I was tied up. I do not what kind of price I will have to pay for this new emerging madness in me. I do not know where this road will end but I so wish to erase the past. I so wish to walk that road again I wish I was not burdened with my past. Then I could be confident in the     decision I will take. But for now, I am so torn up.

I do not wish to meet him again. I know I am standing at the brink. If I took a step, I will again fall in the abyss of love. It will be so much easier. I know you will say then why not? Because past will always hold us down .I will always remember that he did not try to contact me. I will not forget those hours of despair. Ishaan says that there is a reason for what he does and he just wants to be friends with me. But honestly, I do not think that it is possible to be friends with hi again? I believe our feelings are still the same-at least mine are. I am no more sure about anyone else. I do not know how to refuse him. But I am sure I will find a way to maintain a distance. I will, rather need to find a way to move away from this brink, this edge. I cannot, will not fall again.

Hoping for a divine solution,

Trish.

Character Sketch-Day 19(562 words)

Day Nineteen: From the ashes.

Focus Word - Flame

Song Prompt - Burn It Down by: Linkin Park

The cycle repeated,
As explosions broke in the sky,
All that I needed,
Was the one thing I couldn't find,
And you were there at the turn,
Waiting to let me know,

Chorus:
We're building it up,
To break it back down,
We're building it up,
To burn it down,
We can't wait,
To burn it to the ground.

The colors conflicted,
As the flames climbed into the clouds.
I wanted to fix this,
But couldn't stop from tearing it down.

And you were there at the turn,
Caught in the burning glow.
And I was there at the turn,
Waiting to let you go.

We're building it up,
To break it back down,
We're building it up,
To burn it down,
We can't wait,
To burn it to the ground.

You told me yes,
You held me high,
And I believed,
When you told that lie.

I played solider,
You played king,
Struck me down,
When I kissed that ring.

You lost that right,
To hold that crown,
I built you up,
But you let me down.

So when you fall,
I'll take my turn,
And fan the flames,
As your blazes burn.

And you were there at the turn,
Waiting to let me know.

We're building it up,
To break it back down,
We're building it up,
To burn it down,

[We can't wait,
To burn it to the ground.
So when you fall,
I'll take my turn,
And fan the flames,
As your blazes burn. ] x2

We can't wait,
To burn it to the ground...

I wake up in the morning with a lot of trepidation. I do not wish this night to end. I do not wish to believe that the kiss yesterday was a dream, and I do not even dare to hope that the kiss yesterday was a reality. I am so lost. I am afraid that the past cycle will repeat itself. I do not wish to build the castle of dreams which will again collapse under onslaught of waves. I do not wish my hopes to burn by the flames of circumstances .I do not wish to lose everything again to false wishes.

But somewhere in the corner of my mind, I am waiting that there is an explanation to all that. I have lived with the belief that there was a rational explanation for everything. I accepted the fact that Ishaan could not come at that time- not because he did not love me, but just because our ways were meant to be separate. In fact I was the one who insisted him not to sacrifice his dreams for being together. But it had been difficult for me to say those words. Still I had nourished that hope that he would come. But he had left every touch.

Now here I am still carrying that secret hope. He is supposed to explain everything to me today .May be, just may be…we are meant to be together. That is why the fate is bringing us together again. May be. I get ready and go to café to wait for Ishaan to arrive. He had asked me to wait for him. We could have the breakfast together. I notice the other guests- a single lady with a child, a couple and an older couple just gazing outside. I wait there just enjoying the freshness. But the time passes. It is 9.30 now. I have been sitting here for past thirty minutes. I am getting hungry. I need breakfast. Besides, I need to report to office. I have a final presentation. To morrow is the first press meet of my hotel. I order breakfast for two with my eyes glued to the entrance.

My breakfast arrives in ten minutes. But Ishaan is still nowhere in sight. Sighing, I stat my breakfast, cursing myself for expecting Ishaan to come. Now, I am getting worried. Is he or is he not going to come? Is something wrong?

Suddenly, the receptionist calls me. “Are you Miss Trisha Malhotra? There is a message for you.”

I try to judge the time in India. May be Apu or mom has called me. I take the paper from my hands. But the message is not from my Mom or Apu. The message  is from Ishaan.. “I have to leave the country for few days Trish. Will catch you later.”

I am so shocked that I read the message again. It can’t be possible. The building collapsed without a brick being laid. I want to cry but I know that it will be useless. I have fallen again at the same rock. Is it possible to lock myself in the room? But no, I have promised myself I won’t break again. I have to move without shattering. Mr. Wilson is waiting for me at office. Resolutely, I leave the hotel to go to my office waiting for the ashes to settle.

Character Sketch -Day 18(510 words)

Day Eighteen: To chase freedom.

Focus Word - Fly

Song Prompt - Nightingale by: Norah Jones

Nightingale
Sing us a song
Of a love that once belonged
Nightingale
Tell me your tale
Was your journey far too long?

Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer To a question I can't ask
I don't know which way the feather falls Or if i should blow it to the left

Nightingale
Sing us a song
Of a love that once belonged
Nightingale
Tell me your tale
Was your journey far too long?

All the voices that are spinnin' around me Trying to tell me what to say
Can I fly right behind you
And you can take me away

All the voices that are spinnin' around me Trying to tell me what to say
So Can I fly right behind you
And you can take me away

Dear Apu

Hi.... I know I should have written yesterday. I know a small message of I am fine does not suffice. I am being an idiot ignoring everyone's calls . But I do not know. I was afraid if I told you everything you will be angry. You will be worried. I was just trying to help myself at being self-sufficient. But I guess it would never be so. I know you do not understand anything about what I am saying.

You remember when I was a kid I always used to worry that I do not belong anywhere. I was always trying to find the answer to the questions. But of course there was no answer till I learned to believe that I am special. I mean I walk awkwardly,I speak with the spending miles per second but still I am better because I am honest to myself. I do not wear the cloak of hypocrisy. I am again fumbling in the sea of questions.

It seems like more I try to justify everything the more I am tossed by these waves. First I lost myself with Ishaan, then I blundered with my engagement and now I am again falling after Ishaan.

Ishaan is just supposed to be my friend but he occupies every waking thought if mine.He gas entered my heart again. He is trying to revive those long dead dreams again. Today he took me to a Cliff near sea called "Black Ghost".

I wont be doing justice to the place if I say it wad beautiful. There are no words to describe its grandeur and loveliness  It was my dream place and there was a Prince there as well who wants to slay my dragon. He kissed me, Apu. And I was a willing party . I yielded to his every touch, I forgot everything -every question about his betrayal, every thought about our future and every notion about the past. It was just the moment and Ishaan occupying me.

Now you will be wondering why the well did I do it? The answer is because I was helpless-helpless before my feelings.

I ran away from there. Can somebody answer why can't I overcome my feelings for him? Why is his touch sufficient ti melt me ? Why do I always fall for the wrong guys? Why is ny fate playing with me-taunting me with dreams which can never be converted into realities?

Answers, answers -I need them for past. I need them for future. But I do not know where they are. Or if i will ever find them. I am like a bird trying ti find a sky but every time I reach at the edge I am at the sane place. I am so tires. I am like a rubber band, being pulled in all the direction.

I do nor know what I am writing. But U needed to write it. I an sure you will be able to sort out the above mess. Call you soon.

Yours ever-confused friend

Trish.

Character Sketch-Day 17(550 words)

Day 17 : How to locate reason

Focus word :Reason

"So how do you find my surprise?" Ishaan asked knowing very well what my answer will be. Purple sky with fog caressing my skin. The beautiful view of far-snow Laden mountains and sound of the crashing waves. Even birds seem to paying homage to nature here.

"It is just as what I imagined. You and me in the lap of God where there is no limit to what we do. It is just the place where I wish to be with you, holding your hand, losing myself in your embrace. Isn't it a perfect setting for our rendezvous. Ishaan?"

I turn to notice why he is not replying. Ishaan is looking at me with hooded eyes. He is smiling but his expression is perplexed. And that is when I realize what i am babbling. Somewhere in our camaraderie I forgot that I have left this dream behind.

"No , don't think about it Ishaan. I m a fool -the biggest fool where born in this world. I am rehashing two pasts in my present when neither of it will be my future. Sometimes I forget to reason my emotions. I forget to put a check to my dreams, even nightmares. "

Ishaan moves forward. " You have not forgotten how to reason. You just think too much, you just try to justify everything. Why don't you understand that you just need to live sometimes.  You need to forget and live. "

"Even when I am standing on the edge ?"

"Even then Trish. Especially then!!"

"No, Ishaan. At least you should not advise this to me. You were the one fir who I forgot every reason. Even knowing that I was not any March for you I let you sweep me off my feet. I lost my every thought of future for you. But where did it leave me? Standing alone waiting for you fir 6 months in India? Hoping against every hope that our love will transcend every difficulty ? Expecting that someday I will lose this ever-present emptiness in my heart? What did it leave me with?"

"No Trish. Do not belittle what we had. I do not know what it leave you with me. For me it left me with the knowledge that there is something called selfless love. That there us someone who accepted me for myself not for my love. I will never repent the decision we made in Paris. That was a gift for me. Someday , I hope you will let me explain."

" Why not now ? We both have been skirting around if for so long -avoiding it. Let us take about it now."

"No Trish no today. "

"Why not Ishaan ? Let me lay one of my ghost to rest !"

"Because Trish I want this day to be a day for fulfillment our one dream. " He take me in his arms. His lips skins over my temple. "Do you know I dreamt of this everytime I came here."

And then he kissed me. I resist but we both know I do not want to. The kiss is everything and more. Its our dream and I am helpless before it. I yield and lose myself in the past.